What does that mean exactly? I'm not sure but I have faith that this journey will answer that question.
HA! I started this blog one year ago...TODAY. Those were the first and only sentences I ever wrote. Looking back at the past year, I have a funny feeling I'll be answering that question with a whole new take, a bit more honesty and humiliation, and a ton more direction and emotion rather than dodging the bullet, as usual. Watch out people.
A little about me.
I'm insecure, yes, I said it. Art and music (yes, almost every song reminds me of something!) get me through my days. Love watching my girls surf (I have a secret desire to learn). I love to paint - but totally suck at it. Love to sketch - but not nearly as creative as I wish I could be. I'm not a writer and use terrible grammar. Love to read trashy books (yes, I read 50 shades!) and collect self-help books. I am a clever girl that likes to keep everybody happy and satisfied. I do free counseling (no, I'm not qualified) on love and life. I'm also a girl that lives in the deep, dark world of depression. You know, that girl that is "sometimes the strongest and loves beyond all faults but cries behind closed doors and fights battles that nobody knows about"...yep, that girl is me. I have the BEST friends any girl could EVER ask for. However, I trust very few in my private, emotional world. I fear rejection and desertion. I love living life and live in fear that it will end too soon for me. For so long I've felt a somewhat embarrassment about living with depression. I gave up on pills and turned to art. Works a majority of the time until I start slipping down the landslide, as I like to refer to it. It becomes somewhat debilitating and I tend to hide from the world until I have somewhat managed to climb my way out...most people (mainly my family that lives far away) don't understand that. It's hard for some to understand that having a common, normal, typical, whatever you want to call it, conversation is nearly impossible and the mere thought of it causes me an enormous amount of anxiety...especially being the social butterfly that I am. Why is that I ask myself? I think it's because I get to that point where I can no longer hide any sadness and somebody might figure it out. My fake persona only lasts so long until she needs a break.
I don't know. But I do know, I'm ready to fix it. And by fix it, I mean to blossom a soul. One that has been hiding in a dark, lonely hole for a long, long time from the world.
How? Good question.
Maybe this blog is like my "dear diary" for the world to see. Maybe I'll find another person like me. I know they are out there...everywhere! Maybe it's me just breaking free from all of the chains that hold me down. Maybe this is those "big girl panties" I've been needing to put on. I ask myself how much is too much to share? I guess if I have no followers I can I write anything and everything...Of course, the day I do that will be the day I am found! My life has many successes, failures, dreams, secrets, sentiments, lies, indiscretions, good times, bad times, sad times, losses, super funny moments, so much!! I want to be open about my world and put it all out there. I believe that's the first step in healing a broken soul. I'm sure that will freak a lot of people out! This is about my broken soul and helping it blossom to it's full capacity. To go from heartache to healing. Finding "my" love again. Staying true to myself. I'm guessing I'll say stupid stuff I don't really mean to say. I'll use bad language sometimes for sure. I'll tell personal heart-wrenching stories a lot. Some NOBODY that knows me has ever heard. Hopefully, I can be funny every now and then, too. But most of all...I'M GOING TO BE REAL! All in the hopes to blossom a soul. More than just mine.
Recently, somebody altered one of my inspirational quote pics that said, "some things take time" to make it read, "some things take balls"...Well, you are right. Hold no regrets, dear.
I want to thank www.TWLOHA.com (to write love on her arms) and Jennifer Pastiloff (www.jenniferpastiloff.com) for your tireless effort to make your lives and those in your "tribes" feel better about breathing! You've both given me something to grasp onto. Oh yeah...and Rosie Thomas for her soul digging music that just helped me write this little, tiny tid bit.
Now, to ponder where in the world I begin...
<3 S
You are on fire!
ReplyDeleteI love you!! :)
DeleteAll the love and support!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks Jenni! That means the world to me! xo
DeleteHello . Being one who has depression. I support you but caution on how much you share. Most people can't and don't know how to take the info. I know I didn't. I couldn't understand how or minds are more powerful that us as a whole. Once my fibromyalgia became to much pain for MEDS to stop the pain enough for me to not work . I felt like I have never felt before or every thought I could feel. I also thought depression was for week people. I couldn't ever have that problem . I'm a man first of all. I am very strong physically and emotionally. Well needless to say I was depressed and had no clue. You would think that thinking about suicide would've tipped me off. I must say I know with out meds to help me . I couldn't even feel half as good as I do now. And I don't feel as good as I used to still. I don't ever see that happening. It is always a battle as you have mentioned. For me every day that I can't work , get out of bed , do the things I like , or anything at all . It hurts me because it isn't who I am . Well used to be. It's the total opposite of what I was. Plus I feel every time I miss my kids sports or activities I'm letting them down . That's not how a good dad is. Or when my wife wants to do something . She has to do it without me or not at all. So then I'm not being a good husband or I sit and watch her do it with someone else and then I feel even worse. Well anyway I do understand. I get family and friends that always say things or ask questions. Hey you never go out or come over. Why don't you come to this or that and make you feel guilty for something I can't controll. I really believe with out the meds I would've talked my self into suicide. With them and my wife who most of the time trys to help me feel better it has helped a whole lot. Even though she doesn't realize a lot of times she makes me feel bad not realising what she is saying . For instance. Money is very tight now since I was the main bread winner. She'll just mention stuff like . Well or old house we had built and how she misses it. Plus every day I wake up in this old house we have now and I'm constantly reminded of what I can't do because there is so much work needing to be done that I know how to do but can't do or only very little at a time. Two years and still have stuff to do that could've been done by the old me. Or vacations that we can't do any more . Or just the fact we didn't have to worry about money before. I'm sorry . I could go on forever. I hope this does something for you. I guess it has for me , to just get it out a little. If you need someone to type to , talk to or anything I would be more than happy to listen. I pray for the best of everything to go your way. I believe only us who have it can understand the struggle.
ReplyDeleteJust some crazy nut.
Henry
I know that took a lot of guts, Henry. Most men cannot seem to admit their weaknesses. You seem like a good man with a good heart. Thrive on the love from your family, and pray that they understand and have patience when necessary.
DeleteGod bless you....
Kim
HENRY!!! I am SO glad you opened up! That is exactly what I want people to do. You are not alone and I'm pretty sure most of us that live with depression live the same life you talk of.
DeleteAs far as what I share, I won't be too extreme but I definitely want to keep it real and honest. I'm ok with it...especially if it means helping others that can't talk about it.
I'm so sorry for all that you go through and I'm very happy you have found meds to carry you along. I'm an over thinker and never allowed the meds to work for me. I've tried just about all of them and the last time I got off of them I went into a relapse and that was one of the scariest feelings ever. I had "brain zaps" and could barely get out of bed. That's when I said enough is enough and turned to art...something I truly love. That and getting dirt in my nails tending to my favorite plants outside. I'm here for you buddy...consider this "that" place you can go to read or unload. It's helping me already!! :)
Well you sound like you have dabbled at a little bit of everything. I no my depression , yours and everyones is all different. I'm sorry that your struggle to get through the clouds has taken so long. I'm through the clouds , just my fybromyagia is so debilitating that I can't enjoy much of anything. For this is our differance.
DeleteI hope that you get to a great state of feeling good on a regular basis very soon . You are a very bright and beautiful , inside and out . So I know you will accomplish your goal. I also know those two girls of yours help motivate you as my kids did me. We always want to be the best we can for them.
Oh and my english skills are horrible so sorry. Lol .
My struggle is getting better and my wife is the best. Because no one would have put up with what she has and still be by my side. But sometimes the thing that helps also causes us more angiush. Such as I mentioned above . I know that the feeling of disappointment to those I love will never end . I am though handling it much better every month. Also handling the fact that I do need help . More ways then one. I was always a do it my self person . I couldn't and still struggling with asking people to do things for me . I'm a just do it myself to get it done the way only I would do it .
The one thing I always try to remind my self . There are people out there way worse off than me. I do have all my limbs and all 5 senses.
Well see what you did . I just went on again . Lol. No . Really. I wish you the best of life and a wonderful time with your girls. Good night . Again.
And we, too, will blossom with you....
ReplyDeleteThank you for the confidence and support, Sherry!! XOXO
DeleteStacey,
ReplyDeleteI really needed this this morning as I struggle to get out of bed to go to work. You are a brave soul. Rock on sister! Wrapping arms around you, big hug.
Heather
Thank you, Heather! You know where to find me now if you need a little boost. :)
DeleteBRAVO STACEY!!!!! .............BUT YOU REALLY HAVE TO STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP!!!! :) YOU ARE AN AMAZING PERSON!!!!
ReplyDeleteDepression is often unspoken and frequently attacked and I know there are many out there that experience it and don't realize it. Being endlessly tired and thinking happy but not really feeling it or just feeling " gray". Sound familiar?
I have struggled my whole life and realize that it has kept me at mediocrity at best. Know thy self. It's very powerful to finally find out what works BEST for you. Not just to survive but to thrive and reach self actualization.
What did I do?
1. FIX THE THINKER!!! I read and WORKED through a great book " FEELING GOOD" by DR. Burns.
2. FIX chemistry. I have something in my body that drops my serotonin levels. BUT EVERYBODY has a unique chemistry. I believe in trying to most natural methods first. I don't drink alcohol and I take St. Johns Wart every day. 900 mg, it made me feel better within 72hrs of taking it. I also make sure I get adequate sleep, at least 30 minutes of daily exercise and good nutrition. I stay away from carbs / sugars if I want to be my best.
3. I think it is also important to find your higher power and learn to turn things over that we can't control.
4. Live in the moment and take care of the day and the rest will come.
5. LOVE YOURSELF
Hi my sweet friend!
DeleteAnd yet again, another reason our paths have crossed. :)
Thank you for taking the time to write and share. I've not heard of that book but will investigate it. I took St. Johns quite awhile ago but had to stop taking it when I was put on conventional meds...I should give it a shot again. Ahhhh...Carbs and I are BFF's. I did go gluten free last year for over a month and did feel quite amazing. Over the past 3yrs I've become pretty confident with my spiritually and have strong beliefs...unfortunately, that nagging companion of mine named, The Big D, begins to blind my faith. Living in the moment and learning to love myself again is on my agenda!!
XO
I love you Stacey...I've told you when we were married that "You are the happiest person I've ever met" ! I still believe that because you are being honest with yourself, just more openly now. Take each day as it lands and try and make the best of it. You and I have certainly had a lot thrown in our paths these past few years and I'm thinking '13 (your number) is the year to push through the clouds and be bathed in sun again. I'm next to you for the journey if you let me! Love you...ME.
ReplyDelete