What does that mean exactly? I'm not sure but I have faith that this journey will answer that question.
HA! I started this blog one year ago...TODAY. Those were the first and only sentences I ever wrote. Looking back at the past year, I have a funny feeling I'll be answering that question with a whole new take, a bit more honesty and humiliation, and a ton more direction and emotion rather than dodging the bullet, as usual. Watch out people.
A little about me.
I'm insecure, yes, I said it. Art and music (yes, almost every song reminds me of something!) get me through my days. Love watching my girls surf (I have a secret desire to learn). I love to paint - but totally suck at it. Love to sketch - but not nearly as creative as I wish I could be. I'm not a writer and use terrible grammar. Love to read trashy books (yes, I read 50 shades!) and collect self-help books. I am a clever girl that likes to keep everybody happy and satisfied. I do free counseling (no, I'm not qualified) on love and life. I'm also a girl that lives in the deep, dark world of depression. You know, that girl that is "sometimes the strongest and loves beyond all faults but cries behind closed doors and fights battles that nobody knows about"...yep, that girl is me. I have the BEST friends any girl could EVER ask for. However, I trust very few in my private, emotional world. I fear rejection and desertion. I love living life and live in fear that it will end too soon for me. For so long I've felt a somewhat embarrassment about living with depression. I gave up on pills and turned to art. Works a majority of the time until I start slipping down the landslide, as I like to refer to it. It becomes somewhat debilitating and I tend to hide from the world until I have somewhat managed to climb my way out...most people (mainly my family that lives far away) don't understand that. It's hard for some to understand that having a common, normal, typical, whatever you want to call it, conversation is nearly impossible and the mere thought of it causes me an enormous amount of anxiety...especially being the social butterfly that I am. Why is that I ask myself? I think it's because I get to that point where I can no longer hide any sadness and somebody might figure it out. My fake persona only lasts so long until she needs a break.
I don't know. But I do know, I'm ready to fix it. And by fix it, I mean to blossom a soul. One that has been hiding in a dark, lonely hole for a long, long time from the world.
How? Good question.
Maybe this blog is like my "dear diary" for the world to see. Maybe I'll find another person like me. I know they are out there...everywhere! Maybe it's me just breaking free from all of the chains that hold me down. Maybe this is those "big girl panties" I've been needing to put on. I ask myself how much is too much to share? I guess if I have no followers I can I write anything and everything...Of course, the day I do that will be the day I am found! My life has many successes, failures, dreams, secrets, sentiments, lies, indiscretions, good times, bad times, sad times, losses, super funny moments, so much!! I want to be open about my world and put it all out there. I believe that's the first step in healing a broken soul. I'm sure that will freak a lot of people out! This is about my broken soul and helping it blossom to it's full capacity. To go from heartache to healing. Finding "my" love again. Staying true to myself. I'm guessing I'll say stupid stuff I don't really mean to say. I'll use bad language sometimes for sure. I'll tell personal heart-wrenching stories a lot. Some NOBODY that knows me has ever heard. Hopefully, I can be funny every now and then, too. But most of all...I'M GOING TO BE REAL! All in the hopes to blossom a soul. More than just mine.
Recently, somebody altered one of my inspirational quote pics that said, "some things take time" to make it read, "some things take balls"...Well, you are right. Hold no regrets, dear.
I want to thank www.TWLOHA.com (to write love on her arms) and Jennifer Pastiloff (www.jenniferpastiloff.com) for your tireless effort to make your lives and those in your "tribes" feel better about breathing! You've both given me something to grasp onto. Oh yeah...and Rosie Thomas for her soul digging music that just helped me write this little, tiny tid bit.
Now, to ponder where in the world I begin...
<3 S
